The Role of Women in Society (The 17th and final Part)
Advice from Mawlana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (MABH)
One must understand that life with a spouse is a journey meant to last a lifetime. If hearts are united, that is a tremendous blessing granted to them. But if, Allah forbid, there is a rift between their hearts, that is a calamity with no greater sorrow. Therefore, a woman should strive as much as possible to win her husband’s heart and respond to his wishes. Even if a husband were to command his wife to stand before him with her hands bound from night till morning, she should comply—because both worldly and eternal success lie in enduring minor hardships in this world for the everlasting bliss of the Hereafter.
A woman should never utter words that would distress or dishearten her husband. Often, due to lack of awareness, women say things that lead to their husband’s sorrow. Sometimes, a woman mocks or speaks sarcastically, or utters unpleasant words in anger. When her anger subsides, she regrets it deeply, weeps, and blames herself for her behavior. However, even if she later apologizes and the husband forgives her and resumes treating her kindly, the affection they once shared may not fully return. Every time an argument arises, the man remembers the hurtful things said in the past.
Therefore, every woman should be insightful and treat her husband kindly, refraining from any speech that might upset him. She must live her life according to the commands of Allah and His Messenger in a way that benefits her in both worlds. Intelligent and understanding women may not even need reminders, as they can distinguish right from wrong. Nonetheless, the following points serve as gentle reminders:
Do not ask your husband for more provision than he can afford. Be content with what is available. If you see a garment or piece of jewelry that you like and your husband cannot afford it, do not insist or even express longing for it. If you do, he will feel that you don’t consider his financial condition. Even if your husband is wealthy, you should avoid making demands for expensive items. Only if he asks for your preference may you express it.
A woman should always bear in mind that making such requests may diminish her value in her husband’s eyes. She should not argue or oppose him, even if he says something contrary to her liking. If her request isn’t granted, she should not be upset but rather wait for the right time to gently remind him. If the request would burden him, she should refrain from asking again and remove it from her mind.
She should always greet her husband with a cheerful face, so as to relieve his fatigue and increase his happiness. If he brings something home—whether she likes it or not—she should express joy and never say, “This isn’t good,” or “This isn’t to our taste.” Such words hurt and discourage him from bringing anything in the future. If she shows happiness, he’ll be more inclined to continue bringing things home. Never express ungratefulness during moments of displeasure by saying things like: “Since I married you, my life has been nothing but hardship,” or “My father wronged me by marrying me into such a miserable life.” Such statements diminish a woman’s dignity and erode love between spouses.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “When I was shown Hell, I saw that most of its inhabitants were women.” Someone asked, “O Messenger of Allah, why?” He replied: “Because they often curse and are ungrateful to their husbands.”
Reflect on how serious a sin it is to be ungrateful to one’s husband. Cursing or saying things like “May Allah strike so-and-so” or “You can tell by their face they’re cursed” are vulgar and offensive statements.
If a husband becomes upset, a wife should avoid saying anything that would further fuel his anger. She should observe his temperament and speak only in a manner that will please him. If she knows he is upset and not in the mood for jokes, she should avoid them and speak appropriately.
If her husband is displeased, she should not turn away from him, but instead draw close and apologize with kindness and warmth. Whether she is at fault or not, she should accept blame and work to please him. Turning away from him is never appropriate; rather, seeking forgiveness should be seen as a mark of honor and grace.
Affection alone is not enough in a marriage; mutual respect is essential. A woman must always respect her husband and should not see herself as his equal—this is a mistaken mindset. She should view herself as being in a lower rank than her husband and never attempt to command him. Even if her husband out of affection wants to massage her hands or feet, she should not accept such service easily and should consider whether she would allow her own father to be at her service in this way. A husband’s status is even higher than that of a father.
In every situation—sitting, standing, speaking—a woman should uphold her husband’s respect. If she is at fault, she should not become distant from him, as that reflects ignorance. Instead, she should promptly apologize and do her utmost to win back his affection and restore harmony in the home.
When her husband returns from a journey, she should welcome him warmly and inquire about his well-being. If needed, she may massage his feet to relieve his fatigue. In summer, she should keep the house cool; in winter, she should keep it warm—always thinking of his comfort.
She should use kind and uplifting words that bring joy and calm to her husband’s heart, and avoid phrases that might upset him. For instance, she shouldn’t say, “How much money did you bring?” or “What did you buy for us?” She should accept what he gives with gratitude and not question, “Why did you only bring this much?” or “What happened to the rest?” Of course, if such questions are asked tactfully without causing offense, there is no harm.
If her husband’s parents are alive and he spends money on them, she should not be upset. Rather, she should view serving them as a duty and an honor. She should not think she cannot live with them and desire independence, for such thoughts lead to division. Parents sacrifice greatly for their children and hope to live peacefully with them in their later years. A woman should foster love and harmony with them; otherwise, the family environment will suffer.
She must respect her in-laws, show affection to the younger ones, and honor the elders. She should consider it her duty to handle household chores and maintain order in the home, not expecting others to serve her. She must not feel ashamed of serving her mother-in-law, and treat her like her own mother—this fosters greater love.
If others in the home are having a private conversation, she should respectfully step away and give them space. Listening in—especially when the topic may involve her—is inappropriate.
She should strive to live affectionately with her husband’s relatives. At first, living in a new home with unfamiliar people may be difficult, but with time and effort, familiarity and closeness can be developed.
She must be mindful of her speech—not speaking so loudly that it becomes unpleasant, nor remaining so silent that she can’t greet guests when they arrive. If she hears something inappropriate about her from her in-laws, she should not relay it to her own family. She should act as if she never heard it. Telling her family could lead to tensions and arguments that disturb the peace between both sides.
She must carefully tend to her husband’s belongings, keep the home clean and tidy, and not allow things like blankets, bedsheets, or clothes to become dirty. She should not wait for reminders but take initiative—this shows love and attentiveness. When she does things without being asked, it adds a special grace to her efforts.
Additionally, she must not make excuses to avoid tasks or resort to lying, as this erodes the husband’s trust, even in truthful matters.
If her husband ever speaks harshly in anger, she should remain calm and silent. Responding will only escalate the situation. By listening quietly and controlling herself, she helps de-escalate the tension, and the husband will likely regret his anger and feel appreciation for her composure.
If she responds angrily, the conflict may intensify and become harder to resolve. She must not become suspicious without reason or make baseless accusations, like “You joke too much with so-and-so” or “You’re always around that person.” If the husband is innocent, such accusations are grave sins. And if there is truth in them, she must address the matter with wisdom and calm. If he reacts harshly or physically, she should remain patient and silent, and never disgrace him in public.
If she retaliates aggressively, his anger will increase, and he’ll persist in wrongdoing. A woman must know that men are like lions—you cannot tame them with force or hostility. The best way to calm them is through obedience and gentleness. Angering them or putting pressure on them shows lack of wisdom. Some women may not realize this at first, but the consequences of such behavior can lead to long-term strife and regret.
Keeping the Company of Righteous Servants of Allah
In today’s society, if brothers and sisters want to find peace in their hearts through the Qur’an and the remembrance of Allah, they must choose to sit with pious and Allah-fearing individuals. Being in their presence helps one gain blessings and distinguish the right path from misguidance. Conversations with righteous people have a profound impact on one’s character and development.
Among the servants of Allah, both men and women, there are individuals whose gatherings revive the remembrance of Allah. There are righteous women who speak only of Allah and His Messenger when you sit with them. This is one of the greatest blessings for a Muslim woman. Therefore, one should strive to attend gatherings where women are not heedless of Allah’s remembrance and where the words of Allah and His Messenger are shared. May Allah Almighty grant us all the ability to act and remain steadfast in our faith.
“Worry for religion, for it is the truest sorrow—
All other sorrows are lesser than this one.
Grieve not over the world, for it is meaningless—
No one in this world has ever found complete rest.”
I humbly ask Allah Almighty to accept this humble effort in His court and to guide us all to the straight path. May He, through the blessing of His beautiful names, increase religious awareness and spiritual awakening among the women of our community day by day. And Allah is the Helper, and upon Him is our reliance. There is no power and no strength except through Allah, the Almighty.
By admin2
