Author: M. Usman Mohammadi
The Prescribed Principles and Prohibitions of Marriage from the Islamic Perspective (Part Three)
Types of Proposal:
Proposal (Khitbah) is of two types:
1. Explicit verbal expression of intent and interest, such as when a man says, “I intend to marry such-and-such woman.”
2. Implicit verbal expression of intent and interest, such as when it is said to the woman, “You are marriageable.”
Legitimate Ways for a Man and Woman to Meet During Proposal:
Islam, in order to preserve the dignity and character of both men and women, has established the process of proposal as one of the preliminary steps toward a lawful marriage. To ensure mutual confidence before the marriage contract, and to foster deeper interest and affection, Islam permits the man and woman to become acquainted with each other.
Islamic law allows the suitor to see the woman he wishes to marry before the marriage contract is concluded, so that he may be informed about her external and internal characteristics. Similarly, the woman is also allowed to see her future husband before the marriage contract is executed, because a decision made with awareness and understanding will result in a happier, more pleasant, and longer-lasting marriage.
This acquaintance between the man and the woman is permissible through two ways:
1. Direct Meeting
The fundamental ruling in Islamic law is that looking at a member of the opposite sex with lust is impermissible. However, since entering into marriage without full contentment often leads to divorce and misery, Islam has permitted the parties to see each other directly before marriage, in order to gain sufficient satisfaction and then proceed with the marriage.
Thus, the first way of mutual acquaintance and achieving full contentment is direct viewing, which is supported by the following Hadiths:
Narrated by Bukhari and Muslim: A woman came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said: «یَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، جِئْتُ لِأَهَبَ لَكَ نَفْسِي» Translation: “O Messenger of Allah, I have come to offer myself to you [in marriage].”
The narrator says: «فَنَظَرَ إِلَيْهَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ﷺ فَصَعَّدَ النَّظَرَ إِلَيْهَا وَصَوَّبَهُ، ثُمَّ طَأْطَأَ رَأْسَهُ…» Translation: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) looked at her from head to toe, then lowered his gaze. When the woman saw that he was not making any decision regarding her, she sat down. Then a man from among the Companions stood and said: “O Messenger of Allah! If you have no need for her, then marry her to me.” (Sahih Bukhari 5126)
Narrated by Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him): He said: I was with the Prophet (PBUH) when a man came and informed him that he had married a woman from among the Ansar. The Prophet (PBUH) asked, “Have you seen her?” He replied: No. The Prophet (PBUH) said: “Go and look at her, for there is something [different] in the eyes of the Ansar.” (Sahih Muslim 1424)
Narrated by Al-Mughira ibn Shu‘bah: He proposed to a woman, and the Prophet (PBUH) said: “Look at her, for it is more likely that mutual understanding and compatibility will arise between you.” (Tirmidhi 1087)
Narrated by Muhammad ibn Maslamah: He said: I heard the Prophet (PBUH) say: “If Allah places the desire to marry a woman in someone’s heart, there is no harm in looking at her.” (Musnad Ahmad 3/493)
2. Indirect Meeting
Since the purpose of direct viewing is to gather information and better understanding, if—due to lack of parental consent—direct viewing is not possible, the suitor may obtain information through a trustworthy woman. She may carefully observe the woman in question and report her attributes truthfully and without exaggeration or deficiency.
Similarly, the woman may appoint a trustworthy man to obtain information about the appearance, character, and behavior of the suitor, since the life partner must also meet her criteria.
Etiquettes of Meeting During Proposal:
While the permissibility of seeing the woman being proposed to have been established through Hadiths, it is not absolute and is subject to the following conditions and etiquettes:
1. The suitor must have a sincere and serious intention to marry, and his only purpose in looking should be to make a marriage decision. Looking for the sake of enjoyment is not permissible.
2. The parts of the body that are permissible to look at during proposal are the face and the hands. The face reflects the apparent beauty, and the hands are usually exposed. The suitor is not allowed to look at any other parts. This is supported by the Prophet’s (PBUH) saying to the man from the Ansar, “Go and look at her, for there is something [different] in the eyes of the Ansar,” which shows that “looking” refers to the face.
Another supporting evidence is the Prophet’s (PBUH) instruction to Umm Sulaym, when he sent her to observe a woman: “Look at her legs, smell her mouth, neck, and armpits.” If the Prophet (PBUH) had allowed men to view these body parts, he would have done it himself, but instead, he delegated Umm Sulaym to do so.
3. It is permissible to look at the woman multiple times if needed, until her image is clearly fixed in the suitor’s mind. This is because the Prophet (PBUH) simply said “look at her” without limiting it to once or twice.
4. It is allowed for the suitor to speak to the woman during the proposal meeting. This is supported by the consensus of most scholars that a woman’s voice is not ‘awrah (private), as the Prophet (PBUH) spoke with women, and after his death, his wives responded to questions from the Companions (Sahaba) from behind a screen.
5. It is not permissible for the suitor to shake hands with the woman he is proposing to, because they are still non-mahram (unrelated) to each other, and the marriage contract has not yet taken place. Bukhari narrates from A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) that she said: “The Prophet (PBUH) never touched the hand of a woman while accepting allegiance. His pledge from women was only verbal.”
6. It is not permissible for the suitor and the woman to be alone together in a private place between the time of proposal and marriage, unless a mahram (unmarriageable relative) of the woman is present. Islam strictly forbids seclusion with a non-mahram woman. Bukhari and Muslim narrate that the Prophet (PBUH) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day must not be alone with a woman who is not his mahram, for in such a case, the third one present is Satan. A woman should not travel without a mahram.”
7. A man who intends to marry a woman is allowed to look at her without her knowledge or her family’s consent. The Prophet (PBUH) said: “If someone intends to propose to a woman, he may look at her even if she is unaware.”
Jabir ibn Abdullah says about his wife: “I used to hide behind a wall to see her.”
These are the most important etiquettes that Islamic Sharia has established for anyone intending to propose. Whoever violates these boundaries and adopts a contrary approach does not respect the limits of Shariah and thereby commits sin and disobedience.
Continues…
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